Understanding Child Behavior and Parenting Strategies
Common Parenting Questions:
Why does my child refuse to cooperate or listen to me?
Why don’t these parenting strategies work?
Why is my child’s behavior so unpredictable?
Why is he a picky eater?
Why can’t he sleep through the night?
Why do I keep losing it with my child when I know better?
These questions highlight the common challenges parents face when traditional methods, often based on behavior management and discipline, fail to address the underlying causes of a child's behavior. These issues are typically rooted in the child's emotional state, physiological needs, and the parent-child relationship, underscoring the importance of understanding brain-based and nervous system-oriented approaches to parenting.
Common Parenting Approaches
Free-Range Parenting:
Philosophy: Encourages children to explore, play, and learn independently, with minimal adult supervision. It emphasizes fostering resilience, self-sufficiency, and confidence by allowing children to take risks and make decisions on their own.
Benefits: Helps children develop problem-solving skills, independence, and self-confidence. It can also reduce anxiety and encourage creativity.
While free-range parenting encourages independence, it is important to ensure that children are developmentally ready for the freedoms they are given. Parents should remain available to provide guidance and safety, gradually increasing independence as the child demonstrates readiness.
Conscious Parenting:
Philosophy: Focuses on raising awareness of the parent’s own thoughts, emotions, and actions and how they influence their child’s development. It emphasizes being fully present and responsive to the child’s needs rather than reacting from a place of stress or unconscious habits.
Benefits: Promotes a deeper connection between parent and child, leading to more mindful interactions. Helps parents model emotional regulation and self-awareness.
Conscious parenting also involves understanding the impact of past experiences and traumas on parenting behaviors. It encourages breaking cycles of reactive parenting by fostering self-compassion and emotional resilience in both parents and children.
Attachment Parenting:
Philosophy: Prioritizes forming a strong emotional bond between parent and child, often through practices like co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing. The goal is to create a secure base from which the child can explore the world.
Benefits: Supports the development of trust, emotional security, and healthy attachment styles. It can lead to a greater sense of safety and well-being for the child.
Attachment parenting emphasizes the importance of responding to a child's needs with sensitivity and consistency. This approach can foster secure attachment, which research has shown to be crucial for a child's emotional and social development.
Positive Parenting:
Philosophy: Focuses on reinforcing positive behaviors rather than punishing negative ones. It emphasizes encouragement, positive reinforcement, and clear communication to guide children’s behavior.
Benefits: Can improve a child’s self-esteem and cooperation. It helps build a positive parent-child relationship by focusing on strengths and fostering a cooperative environment.
Positive parenting aligns with the principles of brain-based parenting by recognizing that behavior is communication. It encourages parents to understand the reasons behind a child's behavior and to use positive strategies that support emotional development.
Mindful Parenting:
Philosophy: Involves being fully present and engaged in the parenting moment, with an awareness of both the parent’s and the child’s thoughts, feelings, and needs. It incorporates practices like deep listening, non-judgment, and empathy.
Benefits: Reduces stress and improves emotional regulation in both parent and child. It fosters a more compassionate and connected relationship.
Mindful parenting encourages parents to slow down and be fully present with their children. This approach can help parents respond more effectively to their child’s needs, leading to a more harmonious and nurturing environment.
Emotion Coaching:
Philosophy: Teaches children to understand and manage their emotions by validating their feelings, labeling emotions, and guiding them through emotional experiences. Parents act as coaches, helping children navigate emotional challenges.
Benefits: Enhances emotional intelligence, resilience, and coping skills in children. It strengthens the parent-child bond through empathy and understanding.
Emotion coaching is particularly valuable in helping children develop the skills to regulate their emotions and behaviors. It aligns with brain-based parenting by recognizing that emotions drive behavior and by teaching children how to process and express their emotions healthily.
Authoritative Parenting:
Philosophy: Combines warmth and nurturing with clear boundaries and high expectations. It emphasizes setting reasonable rules and expectations while responding to the child’s needs and feelings.
Benefits: Often associated with positive outcomes such as higher self-esteem, better social skills, and academic success. It balances structure and support, promoting autonomy and self-discipline.
Authoritative parenting is considered one of the most effective parenting styles, as it balances the need for structure with emotional support. It fosters a healthy environment where children feel secure, understood, and guided.
Delahooke’s Focus on Parenting
Delahooke emphasizes parenting the nervous system and brain-body connection. Nurturing physiology by cultivating relationships is key rather than just managing behavior or solving problems.
Delahooke’s approach encourages parents to look beyond surface behaviors and understand the physiological and emotional needs driving those behaviors.
Critique of Top-Down Parenting Approaches
Many traditional parenting strategies focus too much on “top-down” approaches that emphasize executive functioning and cognitive strategies (e.g., reasoning, requesting, incentives, rewards/consequences).
However, children regulate themselves best through attuned, loving, and safe relationships.
Tantrums and meltdowns don’t happen on purpose, and children often cannot "control" their behavior. The goal isn't to eliminate or manage behavior but to understand and address the underlying needs.
Top-down approaches often overlook the emotional and physiological states that drive behavior. Delahooke advocates for a bottom-up approach, which starts with understanding and addressing the child’s emotional state and physiological needs, leading to more effective and compassionate parenting.
Understanding Allostasis and Body Budgeting
Allostasis refers to the body budgeting system. We make deposits and withdrawals from our energy resources. Maintaining balance is crucial for emotional and physical well-being.
Allostasis highlights the importance of maintaining balance in a child's life. Stressful situations can deplete their energy reserves, leading to dysregulation. Parents can help their children maintain emotional and physical balance by understanding and managing these energy budgets.
Effective Responses to Challenging Behaviors
Challenging behaviors are often signs that a child is struggling with unmet needs or overwhelming emotions.
Avoid Harmful Responses: Ignoring, punishing, shaming, or talking at your child is not helpful. Presence and connection are key.
Behavior as Protection: "Bad" behavior is usually a subconscious protective mechanism. Ask yourself how the behavior might be an adaptive response.
Work on Distress Tolerance: Support your child through stressful times by being present and understanding their needs.
Addressing Behavior:
Resolve or reduce the cues of detected threats.
Introduce cues of safety that work for the child to counterbalance stress.
· Example: Transitions, like drop-offs, can be particularly stressful for children. A warm and unhurried approach can help ease the anxiety associated with these changes. Teaching children to recognize and verbalize their needs during such times builds their capacity for self-regulation and resilience.
Rethinking "Bad" Behavior
Avoid Judgment: Refrain from labeling behavior as appropriate or inappropriate. Instead, see these behaviors as signals indicating a need for relational support.
Control-Seeking Behaviors could indicate a child’s sense of safety has been threatened.
Transition Challenges: Difficulty transitioning from a self-directed, preferred activity may also be linked to a sense of safety.
Understanding and Supporting Vagal Pathways
Understanding the vagal pathways helps parents recognize the physiological states underlying their child’s behavior. By supporting their child's return to the green pathway, parents can help their child move from a state of stress or shutdown to one of safety and engagement.
Body-Based Cues: Pay attention to body-based cues that reflect the state of the vagal pathways.
Red Pathway: Focuses on movement (fight or flight) and survival instincts. The behavior exhibited in this state is instinctual, not intentional or rude.
Blue Pathway: Characterized by disconnection and withdrawal.
Green Pathway: Represents safety and calm. It’s important to support the movement back to this pathway.
Mixed Pathway: A child may appear calm on the outside but is activated and unsettled on the inside, indicating hypervigilance or anxiety.
Tracking and Observing Pathways
Regular tracking and self-checks help parents stay attuned to their own and their child’s emotional states.
Intensity, Frequency, and Duration: Track the intensity, frequency, and duration of any state to understand your child’s needs better.
Weekly Tracking: Monitor what activities prompt particular pathways and track the intensity of distress on a 1-5 scale for you and your child.
Self-Check: Before proceeding, check in with yourself and then with your child.
Co-Regulation and Safety
Co-Regulation: The aim is for parents and children to attune and get to the green pathway together. Co-regulation is the "superfood" that nourishes children’s self-regulating capacity.
Respond to your child’s bids for connection and show interest in their interests
If there is a mismatch, it is important to repair the relationship with your child.
If your child is in the red or blue pathway, they need platform building, not teaching or consequences.
Supporting a child’s need for safety and security doesn’t mean giving them everything they want or not letting them struggle with difficult emotions.
Predictability
Predictable, moderate, and controlled stress leads to resilience. Predictability in daily routines helps children feel safe and secure.
Simple routines, such as predictable mealtimes and bedtime routines, are beneficial.
Predictability reduces anxiety by letting children know what to expect, minimizing uncertainty and fear.
Consistent routines provide a sense of stability, which is crucial for children who have experienced trauma, as it helps them regain a sense of control.
When children can anticipate what will happen next, it fosters trust in their caregivers and the environment, building a foundation for healthy relationships.
Structured routines can also create opportunities for positive reinforcement, helping children associate certain activities with feelings of safety and comfort.
Mindful Parenting and Present Pathways
Mindful parenting involves being fully present with your child, which can help reduce stress and improve emotional connection.
Mindful Observation “LOVE” acronym
Look: Observe without judgment.
Observe: Notice the child’s emotional and physical state.
Validate: Acknowledge the child’s feelings and needs.
Experience: Engage in the green pathway together.
Self-Care for Parents
Self-Care Foundations: Ensure adequate sleep, nutrition, hydration, movement, and connection to others.
Sleep is critical in emotional regulation and well-being, making it a cornerstone of effective parenting. Sleep is the most important way to maintain our body budgets and one of the most valuable routines to build.
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion
Mindfulness Practice: Work on describing inner experiences by first observing without judgment.
Awareness of History and Triggers: Become more aware of your own history and triggers to build self-compassion and improve your parenting responses.
Sensory Integration and Behavior
Sensory Systems: Humans make sense of the world through their sensory systems.
Body-Up Sensory Systems: The body has 80% of fibers carrying signals to the brain and 20% from the brain to the body. This means we primarily rely on body-up signaling.
Sensory Integration: How the brain processes and organizes sensory information is crucial to understanding behavior.
Sensory Experiences:
Sensations: These are the "food" for the brain, providing the knowledge needed to direct the body and mind.
Past Sensory Experiences: Sensory experiences drive our behavior and contribute to the organization of thoughts and emotions. Past experiences inform our reactions to similar situations in the future.
Sensory Systems Overview:
Over-Reactive vs. Under-Reactive: Some children crave sensory inputs, while others may avoid them.
The 8 Sensory Systems:
Interoception: Sensations that generate basic feeling states, moods, and emotions. Children with better awareness of bodily sensations often have better self-regulation.
Auditory: Notice your child's reactions to various sounds, tones, and volumes. Determine which sounds trigger or soothe your child.
Visual: Visual organization and predictability are crucial. Some children may experience distress if their environment is rearranged. Explore preferences for lighting and visual triggers.
Tactile: Focus on how your child responds to different textures and touch.
Gustatory: Taste is strongly associated with other senses and can be a powerful sensory experience.
Olfactory: Smell helps detect what is safe to eat and is closely associated with memory.
Proprioceptive: Provides feedback from muscles and joints about body position, helping the brain understand where the body parts are. For instance, wrapping in blankets can offer proprioceptive input.
Vestibular: Inner ear sensors send information about the position of the head and body in relation to gravity and movement, affecting balance.
Trampolines provide proprioceptive input (when pushing down) and vestibular input (moving through space).
Responsive Parenting for Infants and Toddlers
· Responsive parenting during infancy lays the foundation for secure attachment, emotional regulation, and cognitive development. Parents can create a strong bond that supports their child’s overall development by being attuned to their baby's needs and responding with sensitivity.
Infant Care:
Observation and Interpretation: Observe babies' cues, accurately interpret them, and take action to meet the child’s needs.
Building Trust: Create memories that help the baby feel the world is safe and trustworthy. Heart rhythms often sync with the baby's during comforting.
Soothing Techniques:
Soothing a Baby: Use vocal tones, melody, and volume to soothe. Experiment with movement (rocking, swinging) and touch (clothing, massages).
Sleep Nurturing: Rather than sleep training, focus on sleep nurturing. Letting children cry for long periods is not desirable or necessary.
Sleep Routines
Feeding or a healthy snack.
Hygiene
Quiet communication (e.g., reading or singing lullabies).
Physical contact (e.g., cuddling, holding, or massage).
Curiosity and Play: Follow your baby's curiosity and let them take the lead in play. Play is one of the best brain-body exercises. Peek-a-boo, for example, helps build resilience by holding and releasing stress/tension.
Understanding Toddlers
Understanding toddlers' developmental stages helps parents set realistic expectations. Tantrums are a normal part of development, reflecting the child’s ongoing efforts to make sense of their environment and manage their emotions. Parents can support their toddlers by offering consistent routines and gentle guidance.
Statistical Learning: Toddlers are still developing their ability to make accurate predictions about their environment. When expectations aren’t met, it causes stress, leading to tantrums. Tantrums are expected and a normal part of development.
Tantrums:
Lack of Control: Toddlers typically cannot choose their behavioral responses, especially in the red zone. Their behavior is often bottom-up and instinctual, driven by the sympathetic system.
Misunderstood Tantrums: Toddlers don’t throw tantrums; tantrums throw toddlers. They lack the logical reasoning and self-talk/self-regulation to manage disappointment or unexpected events.
Emotion Posters: While often used to teach feelings, posters with facial expressions can be scientifically questionable and culturally insensitive. They may not be effective in teaching emotion regulation.
Co-Regulation and Play
Importance of Play:
Play is not just a leisure activity; it is a critical aspect of development.
Social-Emotional Skills: Play is valuable for developing social-emotional skills, pro-social brain development, executive function, language, cognition, and vagal tone.
Benefits of Play: Children who play more are happier, less stressed, and more creative in solving problems. Encourage unstructured, uninterrupted play.
Parent-Mediated Play: Offers opportunities to connect with your child in an intimate way through their most natural first language. Even five minutes of this kind of play is worthwhile.
Slow Down: Slow down and take notice with your child. For instance, pay attention to nature together, and model how external stimuli affect your body. Narrate your experiences for your child.
Mindful Labeling and Emotional Granularity
· Emotional granularity: The ability to recognize and describe emotions with specificity—can help children understand their emotional experiences more clearly. It is crucial for developing emotional intelligence and can be fostered through mindful and precise communication.
Labeling Emotions: Be cautious when labeling emotions for children, as it can sometimes make them feel defensive or agitated. Work on emotional granularity by being specific when labeling emotions.
Reflecting on Parenting
Favorite Childhood Memories: People typically recall novel memories that include relational sensory experiences. These kinds of experiences are often the most cherished.
Relax and Let Go: To help our children flourish, plan less, relax more, and recognize that we don’t need to work so hard at parenting. Trust that the foundation you've built will support your child’s development.