Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman is a classic and sets an outstanding foundation for attachment-based and mindful parenting. It is a clear predecessor to some of our contemporaries, such as Mona Delahook, who I also strongly recommend. Below is a modified version of the emotion coaching process described in this book.

1. Be aware of the child’s emotions

• Pay attention to your child’s emotional cues.

• Pay attention to your emotional reactions to your child’s behavior.

• Show nonjudgmental acceptance of yourself and your child.

• Put yourself in your child’s shoes and see the world from their perspective

2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching

• Instead of asking, "Why did you do that?” ask questions about how your child felt when the behavior occurred.

• Acknowledge low-level intensity of emotion early on before they escalate.

• Show your child that you are their ally and are prepared to face their crisis together.

3. Listen empathetically, validating the child’s feelings

• To propose solutions before you empathize with children is like trying to build the frame of a house before you lay a firm foundation.

• Show compassion for your child’s emotional reactions.

• Listen with full attention to correctly discern your child’s behavioral cues and accurately perceive verbal and non-verbal communication (facial expressions, body language, and gestures).

• Reflect back on what you hear and notice while encouraging your child to talk about their emotions.

  • “It sounds like you are feeling _____________.”

• Avoid interrogations and asking questions to which you already know the answers.

4. Help the child find words to label the emotion they are having

• The act of labeling emotions has a soothing effect on the nervous system.

• Avoid sarcasm, criticism, derogation, and contemptuous remarks.

• Show you take their emotions seriously.

• Help them label what they feel, not what they ought to feel

• Avoid global enduring critiques of their personality traits

  • instead of “you are so careless and messy,” replace it with “there are toys scattered all over your room.”

• Be precise when labeling the level of intensity, which will help your child build a vocabulary to express their feelings better.

  • Levels of fear: nervous, anxious, tense, alarmed, shocked, or petrified

  • Levels of happiness: satisfied, pleased, joyful, cheerful, thrilled, ecstatic.

  • Levels of anger: frustrated, displeased, annoyed, irritated, aggravated, seething, furious, irate, fuming

  • Levels of sadness: deflated, resigned, discouraged, upset, morose, demoralized, crushed, depressed, devastated

5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem

1. Set limits on dangerous, immoral, unethical, or socially unacceptable behaviors.

   • “It is okay to feel ________, but it is not okay to ___________.”

     • You’re mad that I took the bat away from you, but it’s not okay for you to hit your sibling with it.”

   • Consequence interventions must be consistent, fair, and logical (related to the behavior)

2. Identify goals

   • Ask your child what they want to accomplish or what they need.

3. Think of possible solutions.

   • Brainstorm potential solutions.

   • Discuss past and future triumphs to encourage them to visualize success.

4. Evaluate proposed solutions

   • “What do you think would happen if you tried __________.”

5. Help your child find a solution

   • Allow your child to choose their own solution

*Emotion coaching is not effective when…

• You are in a hurry.

• You are in public, and it may embarrass your child.

• When the behavior is too severe, and the danger, ethics, or social acceptability needs to be immediately addressed.

• When you are too upset to be an effective emotion coach.