Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman is a classic and sets an outstanding foundation for attachment-based and mindful parenting. It is a clear predecessor to some of our contemporaries, such as Mona Delahook, who I also strongly recommend. Below is a modified version of the emotion coaching process described in this book.
1. Be aware of the child’s emotions
Pay attention to your child’s emotional cues.
Pay attention to your emotional reactions to your child’s behavior.
Show nonjudgmental acceptance of yourself and your child.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes and see the world from their perspective
2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
Instead of asking, "Why did you do that?” ask questions about how your child felt when the behavior occurred.
Acknowledge low-level intensity of emotion early on before they escalate.
Show your child that you are their ally and are prepared to face their crisis together.
3. Listen empathetically, validating the child’s feelings
To propose solutions before you empathize with children is like trying to build the frame of a house before you lay a firm foundation.
Show compassion for your child’s emotional reactions.
Listen with full attention to correctly discern your child’s behavioral cues and accurately perceive verbal and non-verbal communication (facial expressions, body language, and gestures).
Reflect back on what you hear and notice while encouraging your child to talk about their emotions.
“It sounds like you are feeling _____________.”
Avoid interrogations and asking questions to which you already know the answers.
4. Help the child find words to label the emotion they are having
The act of labeling emotions has a soothing effect on the nervous system.
Avoid sarcasm, criticism, derogation, and contemptuous remarks.
Show you take their emotions seriously.
Help them label what they feel, not what they ought to feel
Avoid global enduring critiques of their personality traits
instead of “you are so careless and messy,” replace it with “there are toys scattered all over your room.”
Be precise when labeling the level of intensity, which will help your child build a vocabulary to express their feelings better.
Levels of fear: nervous, anxious, tense, alarmed, shocked, or petrified
Levels of happiness: satisfied, pleased, joyful, cheerful, thrilled, ecstatic.
Levels of anger: frustrated, displeased, annoyed, irritated, aggravated, seething, furious, irate, fuming
Levels of sadness: deflated, resigned, discouraged, upset, morose, demoralized, crushed, depressed, devastated
5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem
Set limits on dangerous, immoral, unethical, or socially unacceptable behaviors.
“It is okay to feel ________, but it is not okay to ___________.”
You’re mad that I took the bat away from you, but it’s not okay for you to hit your sibling with it.”
Consequence interventions must be consistent, fair, and logical (related to the behavior)
Identify goals
Ask your child what they want to accomplish or what they need.
Think of possible solutions.
Brainstorm potential solutions.
Discuss past and future triumphs to encourage them to visualize success.
Evaluate proposed solutions
“What do you think would happen if you tried __________.”
Help your child find a solution
Allow your child to choose their own solution
*Emotion coaching is not effective when…
You are in a hurry.
You are in public, and it may embarrass your child.
When the behavior is too severe, and the danger, ethics, or social acceptability needs to be immediately addressed.
When you are too upset to be an effective emotion coach.