Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

The first half of the book is a review of attachment theory, which I will not reproduce since much of that information is readily available and unnecessary for me to recap here. Instead, I’d like to highlight the dimensions of relationships that Jessica Fern presents and the types of relationships defined in the book.

 Types of Relationships

1. Monogamous: High emotional and sexual exclusivity.

2. Monogamish: Mostly exclusive.

3. Polyfidelity: Romantic or sexual relationship involving more than two people but exclusive to each other.

4. Swinging: Couples engaging in sexual activity with other couples, individuals, or groups, with a focus on sexual, not emotional, involvement.

5. Open Relationship: Partners have sexual or romantic relationships outside of their primary partnership, with the primary partnership being the top priority.

6. Polyamory: Many romantic and sexual partners.

7. Hierarchical Polyamory: Ranking system among partners, usually with a primary partner.

8. Non-Hierarchical Polyamory: No ranking system or power differentials among partners.

9. Solo Polyamory: Emphasizes individual autonomy and freedom to choose one's own relationships, with a priority on the relationship to oneself.

10. Relationship Anarchy: Dismantles social hierarchies dictating how sexual and romantic relationships are prioritized over all other forms of love.

11. Polyintimates: Sexually exclusive with one partner but not emotionally exclusive.

12. Polyamorous and Asexual: Non-sexual asexual and romantically polyamorous.

Additionally, Jessica presents The HEARTS model, a comprehensive framework for building and nurturing secure attachment in relationships.

The HEARTS Model

1. Here (Being Present)

   • Physical proximity is essential for developing attachment.

   • Insecurity may arise when partners are not available.

   • Prioritize spending time together and plan time away from electronic devices.

   • Be clear about your availability for attention, time, and communication.

   • Communicate when you will be unavailable.

2. Expressed Delight

   • Let your partner know how they enrich your life and how special they are to you.

   • Do something special for your partner to express your love and appreciation.

   • Share specific meaningful moments when saying goodbye or at the end of the day.

   • Practice gratitude and appreciation for your partner regularly.

   • Use attachment gaze and affectionate gestures to strengthen your bond.

3. Attunement

   • Meet your partner with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand their feelings and needs.

   • Non-violent communication can be helpful for effective expression and understanding.

4. Rituals and Routines

   • Establish rituals and routines to provide structure and safety in the relationship.

   • Reconnect with your partner after being apart.

   • Celebrate important dates together.

   • Use affectionate pet names and/or terms of endearment to foster intimacy.

5. Turning Towards After Conflict

   • Repairing the relationship is more important than focusing solely on the problem.

   • Take responsibility for your part in conflicts and be open to reconciliation.

   • Avoid escalating conflicts over text and use time-outs if discussions become heated.

   • Keep the desire to be right in check, prioritize understanding, and find common ground.

6. Secure Attachment with Self

   • Create a coherent narrative of your past attachment experiences to understand your history better.

   • Self-Attunement Strategies for Each Attachment Style

     • For Preoccupied Attachment: Explore values, personality, and love language; set boundaries; focus on co-regulation and receiving love from others

     • For Dismissive Attachment: Be vulnerable with safe people, make small requests of others, and work on articulating feelings and needs.

     • For Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Build an inner sense of protection and safety.

     Self Attunement

     • Spend quiet time alone to connect with yourself.

     • Practice mindfulness, Yoga, somatic work, self-compassion, and journaling for self-reflection.

     • Practice gratitude

     Rituals

     • Create your ideal day and incorporate self-care rituals into your routine.

     • Explore group ritualistic practices for a sense of belonging and connection.

     • Engage in exercises like the ideal parent figure to heal attachment wounds.

     Turn Towards Your Inner Critic with Curiosity

     • Manage triggers with curiosity and use them as opportunities for deeper connection.

     • Engage in inner dialogue with your inner critic and work on reframing negative self-talk.

     • Practice cognitive reappraisals and perspective-taking to challenge critical thoughts.